The gift of saying ’No’

“No!” my daughter declares, arms crossed in defiance. She’s an Aries, a fire sign. Full of tenacity and grit. She loves hard and feels her feelings fully. And she will let me know when she’s had enough, refusing to apologize for taking up space.

While I’m inwardly rolling my eyes, I’m also secretly proud of her. I hope she never changes.

I’m her opposite: a Pisces, also a feeler but one who prefers to avoid conflict at all costs. In my adult years, it’s taken time and becoming a mother to find my voice. As a business owner, parent, friend, and most importantly, as a woman, setting boundaries is critical. It doesn’t come easy for me. It’s not second nature. But was it ever?

For anyone paying attention, it’s clear we live in a world where girls are instructed to be nice and avoid hurting others’ feelings. Even if your parents are the wokest of the woke, traditional societal gender norms influence this behavior outside of the home throughout childhood. Don’t get mad, don’t be angry, certainly don’t raise your voice. Over time this external influence quiets our voice and shuts down our innate ability to say no.

In early April, I started brainstorming for this piece. In honor of Mother’s day and the theme of embrace, I wanted to write about mamas giving themselves the gift of saying no. Embracing the concept that it’s really okay for moms – or anyone really – to say no to the fourth extracurricular activity, the school committee, partners, friends, work, or to anything that overextends you.

Burn out is real. There’s a reason the Kleenex box is used during eighty-five percent of my nutrition sessions. I sit with women as they cry and can’t figure out why their body is breaking down while they simultaneously describe a to-do list that starts at 5 a.m. and lasts until the last lunchbox is packed at midnight.

It’s surprisingly difficult to learn how to say no. To retrain all the voices that have built up over the years. But here’s the thing I’ve had to learn, and what I try to teach clients in practice: People will still like you if you say no. And surprisingly, saying no to the tasks that don’t serve you opens up space for the things that do.

Saying no to the friend or family member that takes advantage of your kindness opens up room so you can deepen a relationship with someone who values you. Saying no is frightening and liberating all at the same time.

But the last few weeks of Sonoma County news also has sadly but firmly reminded me of another reason we need to teach not just our mothers and daughters, but also our sons, about the word no. Given the state of politics for the past few years, it’s no surprise that people in positions of power have their own definition of the word no. When it reaches this level, it’s up to the community to stand behind the voices calling out so they aren’t silent screams.

When I was in sixth grade, my parents signed me up for a self-defense class. My friends and I giggled as we practiced screaming “No!”. We slammed our fingers into pretend eye sockets and learned the art of a perfectly placed swift knee. I’ve been fortunate enough to not have to use these skills directly, but the lesson has not been forgotten. It felt foreign to yell out the word and assert our power.

It all stems back to the same early imprints. We need to teach our daughters that no is an important, powerful part of their vocabulary. Let’s turn it around and reiterate that while the word no is by definition a negative word, using it freely gives us the gift of space while asserting our power as an individual. In this way, no becomes positive.

But equally as important, we need to be the models that teach our children that he, she, or they must support and stand behind those who say no. Collectively we need to stand up, harness our inner three-year-old and say no when we see something that’s wrong - racism, sexism, rape culture, gender stereotypes—all of it.

My daughter continues to stare at me with her dark, protesting eyes. Even though I know that telling her to clean up her toys will lead to a preschool-sized protest, it won’t squash her love for the word no. As her parent, I will do everything in my power to make sure she keeps saying it loud and clear.