My Fall For Grace by Sherry Kane

By Sherry Kane

I was alone at home and rushing through the morning before leaving in less than an hour. I knew that if I left now, I’d be early. I could knit, read, meditate. Instead I’m looking for yarn. Certain yarn. I’m getting it all out now, might as well. You are supposed to look at your yarn at least annually.

“Is that all of it?” I asked myself. “ Perhaps just beyond where I can see…this was not a good idea. Whoa! Losing balance! Whew. Shit. Didn’t hit head. No blood, but let’s check this arm here. Whooo, not good. Should not look like this. “ I close my eyes, swoon, and breathe. I remember my friend, Toni, had a break like this. This means the fingertraps.

I am an RN of nearly 40 years, recently trained in Mind Body Medicine. Since the training started nearly 1 year ago, I began this transformation, this experiment, on myself. The Center for Mind Body Medicine from Washington DC and the Sonoma County Resilience Collaborative came here after the fires of 2017. I knew that the feeling of anxiety and being derailed by an episode occurred less often, less severely or easily. I knew the exercises taught had helped me with calming my tendency to worry. I had begun teaching the benefits of meditation.

This was a test. I was alone. I needed to get myself help. I let myself lay there for a while, recover, breathe. I start a mantra aloud “My brain has been trained for this, I can do this…My brain has been trained for this, I can do this…” Folks don’t usually die of a broken wrist. Ambulance? No. I didn’t need an ambulance…Hell, Secret Agents are still kicking ass with the arm dangling. I need the phone. I manage to get up and find that the only thing that is painful is my wrist. I can walk. It could have been worse. I’m grateful.

I lay down at the top of the stairs with the phone. Nothing but time to breathe. My brain has been trained for this. I can do this. Breathe. In. Out. Soft. Belly. Again, not going to die from this. My husband does not answer his phone. Next best? I was due to be at work with Dr. Thynn Thynn, a teacher of Buddhist meditation practice, and author of Meditate Without Meditating, A Daily Mindfulness Practice Manual. She answered right away. “Help,” I said. “I’ve broken my wrist, I need help” I could hear my elderly teacher become full of her power. “I will call Lyft, and call you back.”

Help is on the way, all I can do is breathe. My brain has been trained for this. I’m ok. The phone rings, my teacher says a ride will be here in 20-25 minutes. The longest in the world. She begins to do a guided meditation while she has me on the phone, she moves on to a body scan. The words are familiar, I can follow. It turns down the pain, so I can continue off the phone, I must get myself downstairs. I manage by sliding down stair by stair so as not to lose balance, feeling queasy…need purse, etc.

I flop into the chair on the porch to wait for my Lyft driver. Breathe. My brain has been trained for this. In, out. Controlled. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Body scan: pain in elbow feels like burning. Look again, no don’t. Bad visual. It won’t be any worse than what I feel now. I’m ok. Breathe. In. Out. Soft. Belly.

I see a neighbor walking her dog and feebly call out. She comes to investigate and suddenly I have a caring person with me. I explain that I may need help getting in the car when it arrives. Offering ice for the ride to town, she gets her wife and I have two honeybees hovering over me to get me settled as well as possible with my Lyft driver. So much Gratitude.

I am driven the 20-25 minutes to our nearest Kaiser ER. Taken to the cast room. I see the fingertraps that are classic for setting this kind of fracture. Each person asking me if I had had anything for pain yet. No. Just meditation. They quickly outline the plan, obviously this is not their first rodeo with this type of break. They are going to do this and that. I figured it would not be worse than what I had been feeling for the past hour, bring it on. Whatever they were going to do. After the first half of the usual dose of narcotic, I got chatty and curious. It was amazing that as my arm hung from the traps, weights put on the elbow, straightening did feel better. Parts not damaged could flow. Obviously, the block that was skillfully placed was also nothing compared to my arm, so manipulation could happen. The Ortho Tech, Ortho Doc and nurse worked the beautifully coordinated dance. I stopped my meditation, and did the elevator speech about Mind Body Medicine and that was why I could handle what was happening, then went back to my nitrous assisted breathing! We rocked that procedure. When it was done, meditation grounded me again.

They kept asking me how it happened. Of course, “I don’t want to talk about it”, made them suspicious. Then I explain it was a knitting accident, and I needed a good lie. When I said you should keep your yarn low, they said to stick with the truth. Knitting accident.

By the time that day was over, I felt that “congratulations ” was one of the nicest things someone said to me. I was proud of myself for being resilient then, and find that I am going to continue to be, thanks to learning about myself through MBM.

It had been my intent to pursue the Mind Body Certification.

This has pushed my training up to my prefrontal cortex for serious examination! As I recover, I am reading Life Re-imagined. When lo and behold, there before my eyes, they are quoting Dr. James Gordon, the mentor and teacher for transforming trauma to resilience from the Center for MBM. I know I’m in the right place, even if I’m falling!

more information: https://cmbm.org/our-work/sonoma-resilience