When my four children were young, it was important to me to remember that groups of children are made up of individuals. That can be easy to forget in the midst of the hundred details of a hectic day, or in the traps of pluralization and collective terminology: the children, the gang, the kids … them!
From the perspective of my later 70’s, I like looking back on something I did with my children years ago, and still do with them today: getting away, alone, together – one on one.
It was important to me to do something regularly, away from the group and the family environment with just one child at a time, and have that something be exclusive and validating.
For me, it was about nurturing their uniqueness. It was also about my responsibility to make sure (in light of their age differences, the natural development of the ”pecking order,” and the simple reality of each having three siblings under the same roof!) that “uniqueness” did not get lost in the shuffle.
Alone Together was always at least an entire day — but sometimes a week-end or a bit more — and it fostered the process of helping them to realize their individuality — even if they resembled each other, had some ancestor’s ears, or look, or temperament. Being able to be one’s self is fundamental, and I made that a nurturing priority.
I tried to remember, always, that although parents have the power to interfere with that individuation — I don’t believe we have the right!
It’s one of love’s toughest challenges — remembering that our children are not our possessions! We are stewards; we are guides not owners, and I believe that holds true no matter how old they are, or how old we get!
As they became adults and moved along developing their own lives and paths, the pattern continued when time and proximity allowed. To this day, with each one, we try to make a little time to be alone together. It reminds us that it takes effort to maintain worthwhile patterns — and that it is important to continue to “become.”
I would not trade a single memory of a beautiful day in wine country sharing intense political discussion with one son; a tour of his beautiful construction sites with another; an overnight getaway to a quaint town we enjoy with a daughter; and luscious discussions about cooking and inventing delicious dishes, while driving through the Autumn countryside with still another.
And so, how does this concept play out as we age -- as we find ourselves at the other end of the spectrum, and begin to experience role reversal?
Unfortunately, I often notice something very disturbing. I call it “the de-personification of an elderly individual.” It is easy to spot. You may even have experienced it. It seems to have something to do with rendering someone else’s personality invisible!
As with several other assumptive patterns (that some elders encounter and often suffer under), this one seems to be about obsolescence, irrelevancy, and the exact opposite of validation. It reminds me of erasure.
I have noticed daughters with an old Mom along, speaking at her, no longer speaking with her. I’ve seen sons walking strides ahead of an elder father (who is trying to keep up) as if to disassociate from him. Like being erased — but not quite completely gone.
For me there is a connection between these concepts: Alone Together for validation. De-personification for erasure. Both are about being aware of our awareness of others. And that is … vital!
Nurturing self-esteem in a youngster is positive and uplifting. Crushing it in an ageing elder is despicable.
Zoë Tummillo is a Business & Marketing Consultant / Trainer / Commercial Writer, dba COMMUNICATION CONCEPTS, in private practice since 1974. In addition to Commercial work, she writes “Senior Momentum: A Series of Situations”©; and essay memoirs of growing up first generation Italian American: “Pieces of My Path”©. To contact her — email: writingservice@earthlink.net
When my four children were young, it was important to me to remember that groups of children are made up of individuals. That can be easy to forget in the midst of the hundred details of a hectic day, or in the traps of pluralization and collective terminology: the children, the gang, the kids … them!
From the perspective of my later 70’s, I like looking back on something I did with my children years ago, and still do with them today: getting away, alone, together – one on one.
It was important to me to do something regularly, away from the group and the family environment with just one child at a time, and have that something be exclusive and validating.
For me, it was about nurturing their uniqueness. It was also about my responsibility to make sure (in light of their age differences, the natural development of the ”pecking order,” and the simple reality of each having three siblings under the same roof!) that “uniqueness” did not get lost in the shuffle.
Alone Together was always at least an entire day — but sometimes a week-end or a bit more — and it fostered the process of helping them to realize their individuality — even if they resembled each other, had some ancestor’s ears, or look, or temperament. Being able to be one’s self is fundamental, and I made that a nurturing priority.
I tried to remember, always, that although parents have the power to interfere with that individuation — I don’t believe we have the right!
It’s one of love’s toughest challenges — remembering that our children are not our possessions! We are stewards; we are guides not owners, and I believe that holds true no matter how old they are, or how old we get!
As they became adults and moved along developing their own lives and paths, the pattern continued when time and proximity allowed. To this day, with each one, we try to make a little time to be alone together. It reminds us that it takes effort to maintain worthwhile patterns — and that it is important to continue to “become.”
I would not trade a single memory of a beautiful day in wine country sharing intense political discussion with one son; a tour of his beautiful construction sites with another; an overnight getaway to a quaint town we enjoy with a daughter; and luscious discussions about cooking and inventing delicious dishes, while driving through the Autumn countryside with still another.
And so, how does this concept play out as we age -- as we find ourselves at the other end of the spectrum, and begin to experience role reversal?
Unfortunately, I often notice something very disturbing. I call it “the de-personification of an elderly individual.” It is easy to spot. You may even have experienced it. It seems to have something to do with rendering someone else’s personality invisible!
As with several other assumptive patterns (that some elders encounter and often suffer under), this one seems to be about obsolescence, irrelevancy, and the exact opposite of validation. It reminds me of erasure.
I have noticed daughters with an old Mom along, speaking at her, no longer speaking with her. I’ve seen sons walking strides ahead of an elder father (who is trying to keep up) as if to disassociate from him. Like being erased — but not quite completely gone.
For me there is a connection between these concepts: Alone Together for validation. De-personification for erasure. Both are about being aware of our awareness of others. And that is … vital!
Nurturing self-esteem in a youngster is positive and uplifting. Crushing it in an ageing elder is despicable.
Zoë Tummillo is a Business & Marketing Consultant / Trainer / Commercial Writer, dba COMMUNICATION CONCEPTS, in private practice since 1974. In addition to Commercial work, she writes “Senior Momentum: A Series of Situations”©; and essay memoirs of growing up first generation Italian American: “Pieces of My Path”©. To contact her — email: writingservice@earthlink.net
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