Listening 2 Children: Sharon Wikoff - To Spank...or Not?

Welcome to 2010! Did you make any New Year’s Resolutions? I invite you to consider a different way of thinking about New Year’s Resolutions. How would you like to “BE” as a parent in 2010? As a grandparent? As a teacher? Would you like to be more loving, more caring, more gentle? This is an excellent time for change! One area to consider is how you want to discipline your child.

Pam Leo, author of the book, Connection Parenting, has written an excellent article on the subject of Spanking. Below are excerpts from that article, printed with permission. The entire article can be read at www.ConnectionParenting.com

Spanking Undermines Discipline
- Loving Alternatives - by Pam Leo

“It’s not nice to hit people; children are people.” - Pam Leo

Parents hitting their children has been accepted as a form of discipline in our society for so long that some parents can’t imagine that it is possible to discipline children without hitting them. We have learned that not only is it possible to discipline children without hitting them, but it is impossible to discipline children by hitting them. Making children feel worse does not make them behave better.

Most parents intend to teach their children to be courteous, respectful, responsible, kind and loving. Children learn most from imitating what they see us do. Since hitting is not courteous, respectful, responsible, kind or loving, how can we possibly expect to teach our children those things by hitting them?

Hitting is punishment, not discipline. Punishing children doesn’t teach them why their behavior was unacceptable or what they should do instead. Punishment is meant to deter children from repeating the behavior by being painful or unpleasant enough to cause the child to want to avoid being punished again. In theory, this method may sound effective, but in reality, being punished causes children to think more about the wrong that was done to them than the wrong they did.

Hitting children not only hurts their bodies, it hurts their hearts and minds. Instead of giving them the message that what they did was bad, being hit causes children to believe that they are bad. Research shows that children who are hit have lower self-esteem than children who are not hit. There is even some evidence from a British study that children who are hit may be less able to learn because physical punishments reduce children’s IQ.

While not all people who were hit as children grow up to be hitters, all adults who hit grew up either being hit or witnessing hitting. When an adult hits another adult we call it assault. When a husband or wife hits the other we call it battering. When a big kid hits a little kid we call it bullying. When a parent hits a child we call it spanking. No matter what name we give it - a swat, slap, tap or spank, it is hitting. When the adults in a family hit each other we call it domestic violence. Why then, when the adults hit the children in the family, do we call it discipline? Nowhere else in our society is hitting considered acceptable. Isn’t all hitting violence?

Most parents love their children and want to be good parents who raise good kids. Many parents feel badly about resorting to hitting their children and are anxious or at least open to learning methods of effective, loving discipline. To those parents I offer some alternatives.

It Wouldn’t Hurt To Try:
• When a child is about to do something dangerous like going into the road or climbing on a bookcase, gather them into your arms, tell them “Danger!” and explain to them why their behavior frightens you. The word danger is more effective than just saying no.

• Children need lots of attention. When we give enough positive attention, children don’t become so starved for attention that they resort to any behavior that will get our attention.
Ending all forms of violence against children will be the beginning of the end of domestic violence. However we treat the child, the child will treat the world.

Sharon Ann Wikoff is a credentialed teacher and an EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) Practitioner. Parenting teleclasses begin in January and can be viewed at: www.SharonAnnWikoff.com

Read article »

Creating Peaceful Holidays with Children

I want to share with you excerpts from an article written by Pam Leo, author of the book, Connection Parenting. It's a wonderful article for this time of year! Enjoy!

"The Gift Every Child Really Wants"

by Pam Leo


Whether we observe Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Solstice, the holidays have become more stressful for many parents and less happy for many children. By the time we add shopping, wrapping, baking, decorating, and holiday events to our already busy schedules, we have less time than ever to spend with our children. When children don't get enough attention from the people they love, their "love cup" gets empty and they feel disconnected and unhappy.
If adults try to make children happy by buying them more presents to compensate for spending less time with them, we teach children that "things" are supposed to make them happy. When gifts become a substitute for love instead of a symbol of love, children begin to measure how much they are loved by how many gifts they receive. The more empty their "love" cup, the more "things" children ask for to try to fill the emptiness they feel.

The gift every child I really wants, is the gift of feeling connected, loved, and valued. Those feelings can't be found in any present or in any amount of presents. Children want to be with us and to do what we do. Feeling connected, loved, and valued comes from spending time with the people they love and from doing things with and for the people they love.

One of the best gifts we can give to children is the experience of the joy of giving. We can encourage children to make an "I want to give" list as well as an "I want to get" list. Children delight in giving their own gifts. When children are allowed and invited to fully participate in the holiday making, wrapping, baking, and decorating, they become more focused on what they want to give than on what they want to get. Children who feel connected, loved, and valued don't need lots of gifts to fill their "love cup."

We can break the "presents instead of presence" cycle by doing the holidays with our children instead of for them. Whether our children are still very young and we have a fresh beginning to create meaningful holiday traditions and rituals or we have older children who have been accustomed to receiving lots of presents, we can put the "happy" back into the holidays by filling our children's "love cup" with connection instead of consumerism.

Most of all, we can stop trying to "do it all." We can tell family and friends that we are changing how we "do" the holidays and that we have decided to spend more time connecting with our children. When we slow down the pace and stop doing and buying too much, our children are happier, we are happier, and our holidays are happier.

For this entire article, including numerous tips on how to create a less stressful holiday and one filled with more joy please visit Pam Leo's website, www.ConnectionParenting.com

Sharon Ann Wikoff is an educator and has been working with children and families for over 25 years. Her 2010 schedule of parenting classes and services can be found at www.SharonAnnWikoff.com by mid-December. She hosts the radio program, The Voice of Change, which can be heard at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/Sharon-Anne

Read article »

Listening 2 Children - New School Year = New Beginnings!

The new school year is here! The care-free times of summer are trailing behind and the more structured time of the fall is here. September has always been a huge new beginning for me and a very special time! Seeing the gorgeous leaves on the trees turning shades of red, yellow and orange, staying up later than usual to pack school lunches and the shopping for back to school supplies and clothes are some of my favorite memories from past September’s with my children.
In addition to such changes in the environment and my schedule, each September had me inquiring as to how I wanted to approach life differently. How could I support my children in a better way? Looking back at the past, I realize that I was attempting to see through my “blind spots”. My children may not think I was successful but it was my intention to see things anew!

We each develop our own way of looking at life. I’ve come to accept that my own “blind spots” through the years, gave me a tunnel vision at times! That’s why we need each other. We can help our loved ones, see through their “blind spots” and they can help us. If we approach the subject in the right way and are not attached to another’s response or reply, it can be a growing experience for all.

In this article, I’m raising the question to myself and to you the reader, “Are you “boxed-in”? Or are you keeping the child/ren in your life “boxed in”? Do you see yourself or others in a certain way and are closed to any evidence to the contrary?

Recently, I attended a workshop by the Emmy-Award winning writer, Gene Perret. He wrote for many famous Hollywood Stars such as Bob Hope, Carol Burnet, Phyllis Diller and many others! He suggests in his book, “Become a Richer Writer,” that one should, “Expand your writing into pioneer territory.” So, I invite you to ponder if you’d enjoy expanding yourself into “pioneer territory?” In addition, how about allowing your children to expand into pioneer territory? Perhaps you are already doing this, or perhaps not? I feel it’s human nature that we get “boxed in” at times and don’t expand into new territory! We figure out a way to do some aspect of life and we keep on repeating it. Many times this is a good thing. We don’t have to re-invent the wheel. On the other hand, perhaps the time is right for some things to be “unboxed!”

For example your child might say: “Dad and Mom, this year I don’t want to take piano lessons, I want to try the violin”! Your immediate “boxed in” response might be, “Oh, honey, you are so good at the piano, you don’t want to quit now”! And that may be true! Piano may be his/her gift. However, allowing for discussions around the subject might be a way of becoming ‘unboxed’ in your thinking. The end result may be the same, however, the process would be different.

I’ve certainly created my own “boxes” at times! One of my daughters is fluent in Spanish and wants to teach her future children the language from infancy. In addition, my other daughter is very well versed in the language! When they have invited me to learn the language in the past, my ‘boxed-in’ response has been, “I’m not good at language!” However, I’ve decided to “un-box” myself in this area! This year I’m going to explore learning to speak Spanish!

So I invite you to look around and see if you have any “boxed-up” folks living in your home? Would you like to “un-box” yourself from anything? Is your child or children asking to get “unboxed” from anything in their life? Sincere listening to one’s self and others is the key to such questions!

New Beginnings can take place at any time! I happen to feel that September is one of those especially great times, for newness! Newness is refreshing! Newness breeds openness! And Newness opens up new doors!

Sharon Ann Wikoff is an educator and has been working with children and families for over 25 years. She hosts the radio program, The Voice of Change, which can be heard at www.BlogTalkRadio.com/Sharon-Anne.

Read article »

Children's Activities, Independent Play Spaces

Happy Children = Happy Parents

Listening 2 Children
by Sharon Ann Wikoff

Spending time with children 24/7 can be a great JOY if you find ways to easily meet the needs of children as well as your own needs. Looking back and reflecting on my years of parenting, I see now that I truly did need some time to myself daily. And without giving it much thought at the time, I see now that I created multiple spaces inside and outside at our home for our children to have many choices as to how to spend their time.

Each individual, young and old, needs time alone daily to think their own thoughts! Do you have time alone to listen to your thoughts? Do you provide time alone for your children to think their own thoughts?

Following are several ways of creating spaces for children around your house to encourage their independent play and thus providing them an opportunity to develop a practice of daily alone time. At the same time, this allows you to have some time to yourself!

Pick up 5 boxes or large ice-cream tubs. Cover them with colorful contact paper and put different types of books and/or play toys in them. Keep a couple of them out for your children. Put the others away in a closet for now. When you and your children need a quiet time, pull down a new box or two for your children. Then pull out your favorite book! (Both child and parent should be pleasantly fulfilled for some time!)

Fill up two tubs of water. Place on a child-size table on a surface that won’t be damaged by a little water or outside. Go into your kitchen drawers/cupboards and locate 10 or 12 water-safe and child-safe objects. Invite your child to the area! Have your letter writing material nearby and enjoy!

Bring out your card-table and put a sheet over it! Put under the table, 2 or 3 of the boxes, previously prepared. Invite your child/ren to the area! Prepare a pre-dinner snack for the family. Bring a snack to your child under the table. Let your children enjoy their snack in ‘their’ own home!

Create a sand table or sandbox outside on the patio! (YES, this takes time, but the free time it allows you is well worth the effort!) Find numerous plastic people, trucks, cars and containers for the sand area. Set them up in an inviting manner! Invite your child to the area. OPTIONAL: Give them a small container of water to play with! Place your chair 10-15 feet away. (This allows you to be close enough for supervision, but far enough away to enjoy your own space! Enjoy your favorite reading material.

If a time came that I knew I wanted to sleep in a little in the morning, I planned ahead. After my children were asleep, I went into their rooms and put out some different play toys…perhaps new crayons and paper, perhaps building blocks or set up my daughter’s dolls in an interesting way or attractive her attention. Then when morning came, the children would awaken and most often find pleasure in the toys in their room, before coming out to begin the day.

As I share these ideas, two things come to mind. First, in order to have children satisfied playing alone; they do need plenty of “together” time with mom and dad! When there has been plenty of fun times together, then a child usually enjoys time alone! Secondly, if your child hasn’t had a lot of independent playtime, set up places such as discussed above and play with your child at first. Truly, get ‘into’ the fun with your children. Enjoy the moment! I found this a very successful way of encouraging independent play.

Sharon Ann Wikoff is an educator and small business owner. She’s been working with children and families for over three decades. She is available to consult with families on how to set up “in-home” play environments for children. For information on how she supports individuals who would like to have their own business working with children, visit: www.BusinessTeacherTrainings.com

Read article »

LISTENING 2 CHILDREN - The Journey into Rightness

The Journey Into “Rightness”

Have you ever stepped back from a situation in your life and looked at it with fresh eyes? And then asking, “Why did I do that?” Perhaps it was some happening that took place…and you re-look at it and the way it was handled. Many years ago, I heard the term “Auto-Pilot”, in reference to one who just responds as if they were “programmed”. With so much to handle in today’s world, going into a state of automation, has its advantages. The main one being, it’s one less thing to think about, so we respond in a certain way time and time again.

Before you proceed reading this article,
I invite you to ponder the following.
Do you have an on-going question that you ask yourself?
It could be about your personal life, or your parenting or your work.

Before proceeding, please take time to ponder this and write down the question/s you ask yourself on an on-going basis.

When I first came across this concept, I did not think I was asking myself a question. However, upon closer observation, I discovered I was. Following are a few examples of questions I’ve heard being asked by people.

Why don’t I earn more money?
Why don’t the kids go to bed on time?
Why aren’t I happy?

Do any of these resemble the question/s you ask yourself? I invite you to consider if the above form resemble yours or not. Was your question looking at what’s wrong or what’s right? I believe that many times we are on “Auto-Pilot” and have just become accustomed to looking for the problem not the solution.

Kurt and Patricia Wright, in their marketing book, Breaking the Rules, introduce the concept of asking the “RIGHT QUESTION”. The one they invite readers to ask themselves is: “What are you and I like at our very best?” They feel that when the right question is asked, the result is one of getting on a roll toward high performance. If you are interested in their work, they are on line at www.clearpurpose.com

As I’ve taken this into my life, I find that asking a question that focus on “What’s Right” in any particular situation, truly creates a momentum in an up-hill direction.
So I invite you to consider asking such a question about your world in relationship to the children in your life. Following are some possible questions.

What’s working in the way I listen to children?
What’s working in the way the children listen to me?

For so long I sense that our focus has been on the problem, not the solution. It’s something that has been ingrained in our consciousness so deeply that we just naturally think about looking at the problem. Could we expect new and better results if we begin to focus on the least little bit of goodness or rightness in a situation and allow that to flourish? It’s not an easy journey to make the switch and focus on ‘rightness’; however, I do believe it’s a journey worth traveling!

Children, and adults for that matter, thrive on acknowledgment and encouragement. As we see the ‘rightness’ going on with our children and acknowledge that, more emerges. Children enjoy attention. So, acknowledging them for the positive encourage more of that! Calling attention to the negative behavior will encourage more of that! It’s so easy to think we need to address the problem, and at times, that is necessary, but many other times, I think a focus on what’s right, can create more “rightness”.

I invite you to take the “Journey into “Rightness” and see if a little rightness grows into more rightness. The areas that this can be practiced in are so numerous. I’d love to hear from you regarding the “rightness” in your world.

What’s Right about our family?
What’s Right about our dinnertime?
What’s Right about our home?
What’s Right about my lifestyle?

Sharon Ann Wikoff holds two California Teaching Credentials and is an EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) Practitioner. She hosts the Radio Programs, Heart 2 Heart Listening and The Voice of Change on BlogTalkRadio.com For many years she’s had a small business teaching piano to children and adults. She now holds Teacher Trainings for individuals wanting to create a small business, teaching children from their passions and life experience. She can be reached at www.BusinessTeacherTrainings.com

Read article »

LISTENING 2 CHILDREN: The Art of Love

The ART of LOVE

February is the month of LOVE. Valentine’s Day offers a wonderful opportunity to stop and look more closely at this ageless subject. Sometimes, the re-examining of a word or topic can pierce the armor we may have placed around the subject and a new way of looking at the topic results. Or sometimes, when we encounter another and are shown great love and consideration, we stop and reshape our way of living life. With such newness, a rich vitality can be rekindled. And what can be more exciting than living life with vitality!

Webster’s Dictionary gave the following definition about LOVE.
“A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection.”

Affection used in the definition of love can be described as kindness, caring, fondness and goodwill.

I think it’s safe to say that all of us want our children and/or the children we know and love to be loving…to treat others with kindness, with care, with fondness and goodwill.

Can we have an active part in assuring that our children do grow up as LOVING individuals?
I believe that you… that all of us have a new opportunity everyday, in every moment and in every way to model either LOVE or non-LOVE! When you are involved with children, you have a wonderful opportunity to demonstrate LOVE.

Every Day in Every Moment
You
Model
LOVE or non-LOVE!

Children are watching you ALL the time! Even when they do not appear to be. The old saying is that “teachers have eyes in the back of their head”. Well, children have extraordinary perception in their eyes and ears!

Everything you say and do is very much heard. And I’ve even had children pick up on the things I think! So, what amazing opportunities to model LOVE!

Many years ago I was working in a Child Developmental Day Care Center. It was near the end of the day and we only had 4 children remaining. My co-teacher and I were observing the children and talking as they worked on an art project and talking amongst themselves. All of a sudden one of the 4-year-old girls looked up at us and said, “Why do you talk so nicely to each other?” Yes, every moment of every day you are being watched!

Whether you are talking to your co-teacher, your partner, a friend or your child, all conversations and interactions are an opportunity to spread the LOVE!

7 Ways of Modeling LOVE
• Use respectful language & a gentle tone in conversations.
• Invite cooperation, do not demand obedience.
• Create an environment of peacefulness and harmlessness in your home or classroom.
• Offer choices allowing for children’s individual preferences.
• Allow children to see peaceful disagreements occur and peaceful solutions reached.
• Consider your child’s development level when making requests.
• Create an age-appropriate home environment, allowing for your child/rens’ play and work.
In most situations, the way a child is treated is the way a child will respond. And even when a child is being inappropriate, an adults response to him/her, needs to be
polite and harmless. Anger should not breed anger!

Pam Leo suggests if you question whether or not your language is appropriate, ask yourself: “Would I speak in this manner to my best friend?” If not, then perhaps you want to re-think your languaging.

You never know when your happy smile, or your kind words or your caring actions are just the LOVE that is deeply needed by an individual in that moment!

Your LOVE is like the pebble being dropped into the pond, creating ripple after ripple.

Your LOVE likewise spreads person to person to person to person!

Sharon Ann Wikoff holds two California teaching credentials and is an EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) Practitioner. Sharon hosts the radio program, The VOICE of CHANGE. This month she hosts the teleclass: Creating Play Environments for Children. Details can be found on her website: www.AuthenticWays.com

Read article »

LISTENING 2 CHILDREN: of ALL ages!

I am reminded time and time again about the importance of the act of LISTENING!

After I wrote the last article for the Gazette I pondered, “What should the focus be for my column in the New Year”? Ideas came and went! Then as December came to a close and the New Year rolled around, I continued my thought process. I wanted something NEW… something DIFFERENT… something to catch everyone’s attention. Several subject entered my mind but no decision was made! My considerations continued.

Life continued! Day after day, situations arose where the absolute necessity for “LISTENING 2 CHILDREN” arose. I was reminded time and time again about the importance of the act of LISTENING!

• Listening to the infant as her eyes focus on the first rain!
• Listening to the four-year old feeling snow for the first time!
• Listening to the child who just learned to ride her bike!
• Listening to the crying toddler who just had his ice cream fall!
• Listening to the young women who has just fallen in love!
• Listening to the teen that just lost his job!

Opportunities arise around us all the time where listening is needed! However, in this busy busy world, sometimes, the act of listening is not given the importance that it deserves.

Listening deepens the connection between two people greatly! Listening bonds people together in miraculous ways. When two people take the time to be in conversation, sharing and talking, a synergy develops that is so special. Conversations cannot be hurried. Well, they can be hurried, but if one wants the delight and pleasure and closeness that comes from listening, then conversations should be given the time they deserve!

When listening doesn’t take place, the person not listened to may end up holding on to un-processed thoughts and feelings. When such thoughts build up time after time, they can cause emotional upsets. I’ve seen this happen time and time again in classrooms. Teachers wonder WHY is this child acting out? Nine times out of ten when I see an incident that has happened where a child is upset, I’ve been able to trace the ‘cause’ back to something that happened that was not addressed. The importance of listening begins at birth and continues into adulthood and beyond!

Over the past months I’ve had the marvelous experience of having one of my children ‘fall in love’! She’s over 30 and has been SO patient in dating and finding Mr. Right. And now everything is falling into place! Although she’s known him for 3 years, they were not serious until recently. Then they became a couple! Almost immediately he was offered a fabulous work promotion but it entailed a move to another state! A BIG decision had to be made! It was amazing to listen to her talk about all the conversations they were having about the move. At one point, I had MORE questions than she had answers so I had to sit quietly and wait!

This reminded me that sometimes, the process of listening requires SILENCE! So, silence it was for about 10 days! But tonight, we spent over 90 minutes on the phone discussing their trip next week out of state to locate housing and their upcoming move. The timing wasn’t great for me, but if I had said no to the call tonight, what I would have lost out on would be irreplaceable! I would have missed listening to her talk about what furniture to take, how she found a matching piece to her wild purple flowered luggage and the huge significance of this time in her life! Yes, listening is crucial to close relationships when our children are 3 months or 30 years.

It’s never too late to begin listening again! And the very act of listening can change lives! It can bring people together! And it can create a connection so strong, so beautiful, so special!
AND it can all begin with just 10 minutes of listening! I call this the 10 Minute Miracle. JUST listen to a loved one for 10 minutes. Have no agenda other than listening! Listening is a miracle that can last a lifetime!

Read article »

Holidays with Children - Creating Peace

Creating Peaceful Holidays With Children
This year I want to again share with you an article written by a colleague of mine, Pam Leo, author of the book, Connection Parenting. This article is profound and addresses specific ways and actions you can take to make the pre-holiday time as well as the holidays, joyful for yourself and your children.

Wishing you a wonderful holiday season!


“The Gift Every Child Really Wants”
by Pam Leo

Whether we observe Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Solstice, the holidays have become more stressful for many parents and less happy for many children. By the time we add shopping, wrapping, baking, decorating, and holiday events to our already busy schedules, we have less time than ever to spend with our children. When children don’t get enough attention from the people they love, their “love cup” gets empty and they feel disconnected and unhappy.

If adults try to make children happy by buying them more presents to compensate for spending less time with them, we teach children that “things” are supposed to make them happy. When gifts become a substitute for love instead of a symbol of love, children begin to measure how much they are loved by how many gifts they receive. The more empty their “love” cup, the more “things” children ask for to try to fill the emptiness they feel.

The saying, “You can never get enough of what you don’t really need,” is especially true for children. No matter how many gifts we buy for children or how much money we spend, if their “love” cup is empty, there will never be enough gifts to make them happy. When children with an empty “love cup” have unwrapped all their gifts, they are still looking for something more. The “something more” that children are looking for is something money can’t buy.

The gift every child I really wants, is the gift of feeling connected, loved, and valued. Those feelings can’t be found in any present or in any amount of presents. Children want to be with us and to do what we do. Feeling connected, loved, and valued comes from spending time with the people they love and from doing things with and for the people they love.

One of the best gifts we can give to children is the experience of the joy of giving. We can encourage children to make an “I want to give” list as well as an “I want to get” list. Children delight in giving their own gifts. When children are allowed and invited to fully participate in the holiday making, wrapping, baking, and decorating, they become more focused on what they want to give than on what they want to get. Children who feel connected, loved, and valued don’t need lots of gifts to fill their “love cup.”

We can break the “presents instead of presence” cycle by doing the holidays with our children instead of for them. Whether our children are still very young and we have a fresh beginning to create meaningful holiday traditions and rituals or we have older children who have been accustomed to receiving lots of presents, we can put the “happy” back into the holidays by filling our children’s “love cup” with connection instead of consumerism.

The following tips are for parents who want to create a “less stress - more joy” holiday season for themselves and their children.
• Make the decision that presents will not be or will no longer be the main focus of the holidays.
• Invite children to join in creating a list of fun and meaningful holiday activities the family can do together and a list of kindnesses your family can do for others.
• Request that family and friends honor your fewer gifts decision by asking them to show their love for your children in other ways. A one-on-one “Holiday Date” is a welcome gift and a wonderful way for family members to form closer bonds with children.
• Give children the means to give a few special gifts. Take a friend’s or a relative’s child shopping or help the child make a gift for his or her parents.
• Ask your children what one gift they want most and a second choice if that one is not possible. When children with a full “love “cup get one gift they really want, they hardly notice what else they do or do not get. Receiving one gift they really want satisfies more than opening ten gifts they don’t really care about.
• Try giving children their most special gift first instead of last. The reason children tear through opening presents and keep asking for another is that they are looking for that special one they’ve been hoping for. When they get their special one first they enjoy the rest more.
• Slow down the frantic pace of the holidays and reduce post-holiday let down by spreading out family and friend gatherings throughout December into January.

Most of all, we can stop trying to “do it all.” The people who really love us will still love us no matter what gifts we do or do not give them and whether or not we send greeting cards. We can tell family and friends that we are changing how we “do” the holidays and that we have decided to spend more time connecting with our children. When we slow down the pace and stop doing and buying too much, our children are happier, we are happier, and our holidays are happier.

--------------------------
Sharon Ann Wikoff’s passion is Listening 2 Children. She is an elementary teacher, piano instructor and an EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) Practitioner. EFT is an excellent way to reduce anxiety, stress and/or emotional upset for both children and adults. She may be contacted at (707) 543-6355.

Pam Leo is the author of Connection Parenting: Parenting through Connection instead of Coercion, through Love instead of Fear. You can read other articles by Pam on her website www.connectionparenting.com

Read article »

Through the Eyes of a Child - Part 2

Through the Eyes of a Child (Part 2)

In last month’s article I invited readers to take 24 hours and see life (the television, the news, your home, your conversations… EVERYTHING) through the eyes of your child. Many sounds and sights of Halloween can be very frightening or unsettling to children

This month I want to continue this theme, “Through The Eyes of a Child” because topics of great importance continue to be on everyone’s mind and in everyone’s heart!

What types of conversations are your children hearing in your household today? How are your children being affected by the world right now? What are they thinking when they hear conversations about the economy? What is going on in their mind when they hear conversations about Barack Obama’s victory or the passing of Proposition 8 in the state.

Throughout my teaching career I’ve seen many types of approaches by parents to handling such issues with children. Following are three main types of approaches families have with their children regarding their exposure to the “outside” world.

Type A Family: These families were very selective about what their children viewed. They did not take their children to the movies and they did not own a television. They wanted to protect their children from the outside world. As the children grew to be 11 or 12 years of age they would gradually introduce them to more of the “outside world’.

Type B Family: These families thought the experience of their children should not be limited. They allowed them to watch television. They initiated conversations regarding life experiences. When their children saw a homeless person, these families would initiate a conversation about that. They invited their children to ask questions about anything and everything they observed.

Type C Family: These families appear to be indifferent to what their children were exposed too. It just didn’t enter into their thinking that such experiences were important. In addition, this type of parent would initiate a conversation about their child in front of the child. They also might bring up “adult” type conversations in front their children.

Today, being surrounded by the “world of media” I believe that parents need to be consciously aware of the exposure their children have to the outside world and address the important issues, providing children will background information on the topics they are exposed to.

I invite you to sit back and observe the world your child is being exposed to for 24 hours! Observe what he/she sees on the television or listens to on the radio. Observe the conversations he/she is exposed to! See if your child automatically responses to the input or ignores it. Observation is the first step. Become aware of what is happening!

After a period of observation you may know the next step you want to take for your family. It may be to initiate a conversation about a subject they are being exposed to. Or it might be to educate them about a topic. During such conversations, it’s important to separate facts from opinions whenever possible.

I actually had an opportunity to do this the other day with a young adult. This person had not been following the election and was curious about the candidates. So, I had an opportunity to describe each Party in an objective manner, also taking the economy into the situation. It was an interesting experience, attempting to take my “opinions” out of the conversation.

When children are given facts and background about a topic, AND without an editorial twist or a slanted perspective, then they have a foundation from which to think about a topic. Children are wise beyond their years and appreciate objective information. Later you can have a discussion about such topics and encourage everyone to share their ideas.

So, I invite you to once again, to look at the world your child lives in for 24 hours, through your child’s eyes? What are they hearing? What are they seeing? What is your child’s reaction to their experience?

It all begins with observation and seeing what is! And then following up addressing the needs of your children.



Sharon Ann Wikoff is a credentialed elementary teacher and EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) Practitioner. She is passionate about Listening 2 Children! She can be reached through her websites: www.AuthenticWays.com and www.MusicMagicMiracles.com or at (707) 543-6355.

Read article »

Playing with Your Children

Sharon Wikoff is an advocate for both ends of the spectrum of life…children and elders. Her insights are full of knowledge, experience and compassion. She hosts The family Hour on KGGV 95.1 from Guerneville, CA, which can be heard on the internet through WWW.KGGVFM.ORG



The MAGNIFICENT GIFT behind the simple…Playtime in the LOCAL PARK!

How many times have you gone to the park for a fun relaxed time with your children, and thought of it as just another ‘thing’ to do with the kids? Or perhaps thought, “You really want to go their again?”

During this summer I’ve spent many hours at the Forestville Youth Park, enjoying the swings (YES, I still LOVE to swing!) and walking about under the luscious trees, just hanging out.
It’s been such a joy to watch children there with their parents. I’ve come to realize how very special these moments are between parent and child. Some recent observations of mine have been:

1 - A mom and 5-year-old little girl who is enjoying having her Mom watch her on the equipment.
2 - A father with two young boys, about ten and four years of age. When the children were on the teeter-totter he encouraged the older boy to bounce easily so that the younger child, about 50 pounds lighter, wouldn’t get bounced off.
3 - And the 3rd family I saw was a very buff good looking man, probably about 25 years old with his 2-year-old son, simply observing him as he traveled form place to place. Dad appeared so content and allowed the 2 year old to be very self-directing.

After observing these and others child-parent relationships, I began to see the tremendous GIFTS in such situations.

GIFT ONE: The GIFT of Allowing
When a child is allowed to be free and to do as he/she wishes, that is such a gift! Children need time just “to be!” In today’s world, there are so many demands upon a child’s time that children need that special time daily just to “hang out” and “be.” Magda Gerber, Child therapist, called it: “Wants nothing time.” The parent wants nothing from the child.

This time varies greatly from what Magda calls: “Wants something time.” “We have to go to the store…let’s get in the car.” Or “Please come pick up your toys with me, your room needs to be cleaned up.” Or “Come inside, its dinnertime.” These are all times when the parent “wants something.” After a day of such requests from both parents and teachers, a child needs time and space to play! To be! To enjoy!

GIFT TWO: The GIFT of “Simply Being” for Mom or Dad
The parents I saw were simply “being” in the moment. They were not planning, or teaching or expecting or directing or reprimanding unless there was an issue of safety. In such cases, they responded in the moment without a pre-planned agenda or expectation. They address the need of the moment. This can be a very freeing time for Mom and Dad too! Parents need down time too, very much! They need to relax and just “be.” When parent and child can find the space to do this together, it truly is a gift for both.

GIFT THREE: The GIFT of Self-Confidence
When a child is in an environment where he/she is allowed to choose what they want to do, there is a certain level of confidence that comes from that choosing. This is also a wonderful time for a child to experiment and see what he/she is capable of and what they have a challenge with doing. Infants will spend much time “practicing” a certain move, for example moving from a crawling position to a half sitting position when they are learning to do that movement. They gain confidence in the practicing.

I remember going to the park and sitting on the grass with my 18 month old and allowing her to walk away from the blanket area…and then come back to me. She enjoyed the going and coming so much…and as she gained more confidence she would venture further away. And yet she’s always turn around to make sure I was still there.

So the next time you take time out for a playtime in the park, know that the GIFTS behind such a venture, for both parent and child, are many more than what first meets the eye.

Sharon Ann Wikoff, is an elementary teacher, parent educator and EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) Practitioner. She hosts The Family Hour weekly on KGGV 95.1 Guerneville, which streams on KGGVFM.ORG. She can be reached at (707) 539-0601

Read article »