Love in the Late Afternoon by Zoe Tummillo

Is there a word with more semantic dynamite than “love”? … more potential for misunderstanding? … more vulnerable to distortion? … more subject to emotional debate? Maybe, but I doubt it!

Love. Who cannot remember being in it, longing for it, missing it, regretting it, doubting it, losing it or just plain wondering about it?

It would be easy to drift into stories about romantic love -- the little things one keeps at the back of the drawer, memories or regrets that can make you cry, even after decades. Or tragic love -- the lost child, lover, friend, spouse, beloved pet. Regrets as well as secret smiles -- all easy material for writers.

But this one is about a time of love that begs a clearer, louder voice, and often doesn’t have one: Love in the late afternoon. What does it look like, and what are its many faces?

I’ve been searching my memory, and asking peers and elders about the very sensitive subject of love in its various guises, much later in life. There were smiles, wisecracks, nostalgic ramblings, and far off gazing – seemingly in search of a way to explain what love’s journey is for them, now. I appreciated their trust.

Many have the fun of enjoying a different twist on love with grandchildren. It can be great, especially when you get to hand them back over to their parents! It’s fun to see your children doing stuff they resented when we were rearing them, but which they now embrace! Love by imitation?

However, grandparents occasionally fall heir to a second round, and wind up rearing their children’s children. That particular manifestation of love is a grueling hardship for some elders; and a joy taken in stride, for others. Tested love.

Then there’s that second-chance-love (or third?) We wonder if it will come around again. The marriage that just did not last, or the death of a spouse, and there you are where you didn’t plan to be. And, sometimes as the song said, love may be better the second time around! Smarter love?

There was an ad on TV a while ago that had a young couple and an older couple walking on a path in opposite directions. They pass, and the young woman glances back -- the elders are walking close, holding hands. It is clear it warms her, and she wishes to still be in love when she grows old. Lasting love … So, what about that? What are the chances?

I have been amused at times noticing youngsters snicker and giggle as they notice a grey-haired couple (full complement of wrinkles, knobby knuckles, canes, limps, etc.) holding hands or kissing. Good grief! What are they doing acting like that! It seems impossible to kids that romantic let alone physical love could exist that late in life! How in the world can they accomplish – well, you know. They can hardly walk or stand up straight! Innovative love; that’s how! (They’ll catch on, someday!)

Late love is all around us! I saw it just the other day in Mary Jane’s eyes, when she looked across the table as Bob adjusted his oxygen. And again, in a doctor’s waiting room, an old man lifted his wife’s shaking hand and kissed it. On a park bench, a frail old lady stroked a scrawny cat and told it stories about “back then” when she had other cats. Unselfish love …

Love doesn’t just go away because bodies and minds start to wear down and scream at us at “inconvenient moments.” It’s just a little tougher to hang on to that special warmth from a fire that has been stoked for 50 or 60 years!

But, you know, compared to some of the stuff that comes along at our ages, love’s a piece of cake! Crank up the gyri, and use your imagination!


Zoë Tummillo is a Business & Marketing Consultant/Trainer/Commercial Writer, dba COMMUNICATION CONCEPTS, in private practice since 1974. In addition to Commercial work, she writes “Senior Momentum: A Series of Situations”; and essay memoirs of growing up first generation Italian American: “Pieces of My Path”. To contact her -- email: writingservice@earthlink.net Phone:707-869-1726

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Sonoma County Kids Dental Health Month

Saving Smiles Mouthfuls at a Time: Sonoma County Dentists Seek to "Give Kids a Smile" by Providing Exams and Education, Kicking Off National Children's Dental Health Month.

With almost 1/3 of California preschoolers and more than 2/3 of elementary and high school children having had some form of tooth decay, oral health advocates know more work needs to be done regarding oral health education, prevention measures and treatment for California's children. In an effort to combat preventable oral diseases, the California Dental Association (CDA) and dental professionals from around the country are allied together in observing February as National Children's Dental Health Month by offering free dental exams for uninsured children throughout the state. Through this annual program, local dentists strive to foster the importance of properly flossing, brushing and caring for teeth and gums in children.

Sonoma County dentists will be participating in the American Dental Association’s "Give Kids a Smile[R]" day, Friday, Feb. 5. Give Kids a Smile allows dedicated dentists to reach out to underserved children in Sonoma County and across the nation in preventing oral disease and promoting healthy habits that if properly followed with regular visits to a dentist, will ensure dental health well into their future

Last year's event gave needed care to more than 41,000 children in California totaling over $1.5 million in donated dental services. This year, CDA and its member dentists hope to make an impact on more children throughout California.

For more information about proper oral care and the National Children's Dental Health Month, please call the Redwood Empire Dental Society at (707) 546-7275.

To register your child for Give Kids a Smile[R] events in Sonoma County, please call (707) 544-5638.

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Listening 2 Children: Sharon Wikoff - To Spank...or Not?

Welcome to 2010! Did you make any New Year’s Resolutions? I invite you to consider a different way of thinking about New Year’s Resolutions. How would you like to “BE” as a parent in 2010? As a grandparent? As a teacher? Would you like to be more loving, more caring, more gentle? This is an excellent time for change! One area to consider is how you want to discipline your child.

Pam Leo, author of the book, Connection Parenting, has written an excellent article on the subject of Spanking. Below are excerpts from that article, printed with permission. The entire article can be read at www.ConnectionParenting.com

Spanking Undermines Discipline
- Loving Alternatives - by Pam Leo

“It’s not nice to hit people; children are people.” - Pam Leo

Parents hitting their children has been accepted as a form of discipline in our society for so long that some parents can’t imagine that it is possible to discipline children without hitting them. We have learned that not only is it possible to discipline children without hitting them, but it is impossible to discipline children by hitting them. Making children feel worse does not make them behave better.

Most parents intend to teach their children to be courteous, respectful, responsible, kind and loving. Children learn most from imitating what they see us do. Since hitting is not courteous, respectful, responsible, kind or loving, how can we possibly expect to teach our children those things by hitting them?

Hitting is punishment, not discipline. Punishing children doesn’t teach them why their behavior was unacceptable or what they should do instead. Punishment is meant to deter children from repeating the behavior by being painful or unpleasant enough to cause the child to want to avoid being punished again. In theory, this method may sound effective, but in reality, being punished causes children to think more about the wrong that was done to them than the wrong they did.

Hitting children not only hurts their bodies, it hurts their hearts and minds. Instead of giving them the message that what they did was bad, being hit causes children to believe that they are bad. Research shows that children who are hit have lower self-esteem than children who are not hit. There is even some evidence from a British study that children who are hit may be less able to learn because physical punishments reduce children’s IQ.

While not all people who were hit as children grow up to be hitters, all adults who hit grew up either being hit or witnessing hitting. When an adult hits another adult we call it assault. When a husband or wife hits the other we call it battering. When a big kid hits a little kid we call it bullying. When a parent hits a child we call it spanking. No matter what name we give it - a swat, slap, tap or spank, it is hitting. When the adults in a family hit each other we call it domestic violence. Why then, when the adults hit the children in the family, do we call it discipline? Nowhere else in our society is hitting considered acceptable. Isn’t all hitting violence?

Most parents love their children and want to be good parents who raise good kids. Many parents feel badly about resorting to hitting their children and are anxious or at least open to learning methods of effective, loving discipline. To those parents I offer some alternatives.

It Wouldn’t Hurt To Try:
• When a child is about to do something dangerous like going into the road or climbing on a bookcase, gather them into your arms, tell them “Danger!” and explain to them why their behavior frightens you. The word danger is more effective than just saying no.

• Children need lots of attention. When we give enough positive attention, children don’t become so starved for attention that they resort to any behavior that will get our attention.
Ending all forms of violence against children will be the beginning of the end of domestic violence. However we treat the child, the child will treat the world.

Sharon Ann Wikoff is a credentialed teacher and an EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) Practitioner. Parenting teleclasses begin in January and can be viewed at: www.SharonAnnWikoff.com

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